Acknowledging his many sordid bathroom encounters, Pence compares his earlier self to a slightly wilder George Michael of WHAM! fame, but insists he's now on the straight and narrow.
Ever the good Christian, Pence swears Karen Batten, AKA Mother, is, and always has been, a woman. Further, following their 1985 nuptials, Pence and Batten consummated the marriage in accords with biblical teachings, saying "sometimes God asks for more than you think you can give. I pictured Jesus, bit my lip, and got the job done. We both cried tears of joy, knowing that God was happy and, now that our heterosexuality was cemented, we wouldn't have to do that again."
Pence finds staying fit helps keep him stay on the Godly path.
America is about forgiveness; Pence should be congratulated for bravely sharing his story.
*Unconfirmed - For humor only - must ask Pence. All quotes may be real, but came from no actual source. Please fact check on your own.
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